Emotionally Focused Therapy
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is my primary way of working with couples, families, and, often, individuals. It offers a modern way of understanding love relationships and their primary source of distress. It was originated and developed by Dr. Sue Johnson in the 1980s, and is proven by research to be effective in creating lasting change for couples in distress. It is also successfully used in individual and family therapy. I have advanced training in this method, and consistently hone and improve my skills through consultation, self-study and training. I am passionate about this way of working due to the transformations I am honored to witness in my clients and their relationships every day. I am a Certified Emotionally Focused Therapist.
What is Emotionally Focused Therapy?
Emotionally Focused Therapy is rooted in John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory, discovered roughly 50 years ago. Through his observation of mother-infant pairs, Bowlby noted that infants have an innate need to attach to significant others (usually the mother or other primary caregivers) for safety and protection as a survival strategy. Further, he observed that the consistent responsiveness and care of the mother or primary attachment figure is essential for healthy emotional, physiological, and neurological development (it doesn’t have to be perfect, just “good enough”) of the child. The child uses the mother (father, or primary caregiver) as a safe haven in times of fear or distress, and a secure base from which to explore their world. When the mother or caregiver is not available, or baby is separated from them, they fall into a predictable pattern of protest, despair and detachment.
Researchers in the 1980s continued the study of Attachment Theory, and discovered that the very same attachment needs (safe haven, secure base) and patterns of despair at separation from an attachment figure occur across the lifespan, from cradle to grave. In adulthood, the primary attachment figure tends to be a romantic partner. In general, we look to that person to be Available, Responsive, and Emotionally Engaged (also known by the acronym ARE). Through observation, research and brain scans, we now know that the primary source of distress between couples is when the answers to these ARE needs are increasingly “no.” This leads to predictable patterns of conflict between the couple, where both partners protest disconnection, isolation and loneliness by pursuing connection through criticism or demands, or by withdrawing and shutting down. A repetitive, looping, negative cycle develops between the couple, which shows up regardless of the content issue (sex, money, household tasks, etc.). It is this negative cycle that gets in the way of couples having the close, connected relationship they desire, and fuels the disconnection they feel. Take a look at this brief video that will show you what this can look like:
Our goal: a transformative experience
The first goal of EFT and our work together in therapy is to de-escalate you from the negative cycle or pattern in which you currently find yourself and your partner. The ultimate goal is for each of you to be able to recognize your attachment needs for closeness, connection, and safety and to ask for your needs to be met from a place of vulnerability (rather than anger, for example). This is more likely to inspire your partner to respond with compassion and a desire to be there for you. When this happens on a consistent basis, the more you feel intimately connected, safe, and secure-- leaving you to better work as a team in the face of day-to-day life, as well as the challenges that inevitably come up.
What happens in an EFT therapy session?
EFT therapy sessions look different from other types of couples therapy you may have experienced. EFT is not rooted in communication skills or training, worksheets, or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is an experiential method that focuses on the emotions in the room. In fact, emotions are viewed as the “music” that fuel the “dance” (or cycle) in which partners get caught. Here’s how that plays out in therapy sessions:
Identifying Your Negative Cycle: As your therapist, my first task is to create safety and security between each partner and myself in order to create conditions where emotions and vulnerabilities can be explored, unpacked, and shared. In the earlier phase of the work, we focus on what the moves are in your negative cycle, as well as the feelings, thoughts, and attachment needs that fuel them (much of which happens outside of our own awareness). As we move forward, we delve deeper into your inner experience and how it fuels your negative cycle.
Finding your way out of the negative cycle: As we discover something new and vulnerable, I will help you share it with your partner in a way that is different than how it typically happens in your cycle (i.e. without defensiveness or anger). Through this continued process of exploring, identifying, and sharing, you will come to develop news ways of interacting with each other by sending clear messages about what your needs are in a way that promotes compassion and acceptance in your partner. AND your partner is more likely to be able to hear your message and respond positively to your needs.
More satisfying interactions: The more you experience this type of interaction, the safer the relationship becomes, and the better you are able to function as a team and to recover from those moments when things don’t go like you hoped they would.
Who can benefit from Emotionally Focused Therapy?
EFT can benefit couples, families, and individuals. Originally developed for use with couples, there is an extensive evidence that EFT can help partners experiencing a number of concerns such as:
High conflict/fighting
Disconnection where one or both partners are withdrawn from each other
Affairs or other betrayal
Mental health concerns such as depression, anxiety, or trauma/PTSD
Serious illness
Sexual concerns
Needs not being met
Though no therapy can guarantee a specific outcome, here are some of the benefits that you may experience:
Better understand yourself and your needs.
Better understand your partner and their needs.
Discuss problems and differences with compassion and empathy for one another without escalating into your negative cycle. Or, when your negative cycle appears, you will have the tools to either stop it or repair with each other afterward.
Understand the attachment insecurities that come up for you when you have conflict with your partner (and you will!).
Address the root cause of your problems, rather than putting a bandaid on the symptoms.
Increase connection, safety, and intimacy between you.
The research behind EFT
There is extensive research behind EFT showing that couples move from distress to recovery in 70-75% of cases, and improvement in 90% of couples receiving EFT therapy.
For more information on EFT in general, you can visit the International Center of Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy. Click to read Dr. Sue Johnson’s “Ten Tips for a Strong, Vibrant Relationship.”
If you are interested in working this way, I invite you to come to my office for a free pre-therapy consultation to talk about your concerns and to see if this way of working would be a good fit for you and what you hope to get out of therapy.